The Bittersweet Reality of Weddings After Loss

Wedding season is in full swing, bringing with it an air of joy and celebration. But for those who have lost a loved one, these kinds of celebrations can also stir deep feelings of grief. Weddings, with their focus on love, family, and the future, can also be a poignant reminder of those who are no longer with us—and a unique opportunity to honor and remember them. 

I was recently reminded of this at my cousin's wedding in May in Philadelphia. Her husband had recently lost his mother, and they remembered her through photos and speeches. It wasn’t the first time I’ve seen this done. At my own sister’s wedding, she and her soon-to-be husband had both lost parents (our mother and the groom’s father), and they crafted a beautiful tribute video to share with their guests.

Incorporating these kinds of memorials can help us to both acknowledge a loved one’s physical absence and honor their continuing presence in our lives. This integration of joy and sorrow, celebration and remembrance, is at the heart of what it means to be human. It is a testament to the enduring bonds we share with those we have lost, and a reminder that love lives on.

As a former wedding planner, I have grown accustomed to the joyful chaos of weddings, but I also know intimately the undercurrents of grief and sadness that can flow through such celebrations. Having begun my career in weddings right out of college and freshly mourning the loss of my mother, it was incredibly painful for me to watch brides walk down the aisle and celebrate with their parents, knowing that one of mine would never be there to watch me do the same. The absence of my mother at these events was a palpable ache, a reminder of what I had lost and what would never be again.

While weddings and funerals may seem like polar opposites on the spectrum of human experiences, they’re not as different as we've been taught to think. Both are, in essence, celebrations of life; both involve deep emotional currents of grief and love. In a prior newsletter from May, I shared briefly about an experience I had at a wedding that brought death and grief to the forefront of my mind. Here’s a quick recap: 

The bride was a dear friend whom I’d initially bonded with over losing a parent around the same age, and she’d asked me to read a beautiful poem (shared below) about lost loved ones during the ceremony. Little did I know the poem would soon take on new meaning when, within hours of waking on the day of the wedding, we received the devastating news: A guest (one of the bride and groom’s close friends from college) had tragically died the night before. He was 30 years old—the same age as me. 

Going through that experience made me realize that weddings and funerals share a common thread. Both are rites of passage that bring people together to honor significant life transitions​​. While weddings celebrate new beginnings, they can also highlight the void left by those who have passed, making the heart yearn for their presence in the midst of celebration. I cry every time I read this poem (written years earlier by a family member of one of the guests) because it beautifully encapsulates the duality of presence and absence; the intermingling of sorrow and joy:

Whether through a funny story
With a nearby comforting hoot,
Or in the lyrics of an old song
Your memory has taken root.

Although we cannot see you,
We know that you are there
But while we feel your spirit daily,
Your absence is tough to bear.

We wish that we could hug you
We wish your laughter filled the room
We wish you were here to see the dress
And the smiles of the groom.

We often think of you in silence
And we cry for you at night
We’re happy that you’re free from pain
But wish you’d won the fight

We miss you very much
And can’t wait to meet again
For that, we hope time runs fast in Heaven
So our reunion can begin.

But on this day of joy with us
We hope you are here to know
We have never been happier
And for the day, hope time runs a little slow.

The sudden death of the guest was a stark reminder of life’s fragility and the ever-present possibility of loss. It underscored the importance of the poem I was to read, and infused it with a new, profound meaning. As I stood there, reading lines that spoke to the enduring presence of loved ones and the ache of their absence, I felt a deep connection to everyone in attendance, all of us sharing in the collective experience of love, loss, and memory.

In my journey, I have learned that embracing the duality of love and loss can bring a deeper appreciation for both life and death. It allows us to celebrate the present while honoring the past, and to find joy even in the midst of sorrow. It is through this balance that we can endure life’s most challenging moments and come out the other side–truly living, cherishing each moment and each memory with a heart full of gratitude and love.

We all have stories. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences weddings, funerals, or any event honoring  loved one, and what it meant to you.

– Maura